Thursday, November 30, 2006
I'm feeling terrible. Feel-good factor from 14hrs of sleep worn off. I just feel like cocooning up again, safe in my own world, away from the sad realities of life. It's freaking uncomfortable for me to meet new people, to hangout with them, when there's always a spectre of rejection hanging over my head. I hate being rejected, and i'm always getting rejected so much so that i'm always expecting myself to be rejected. I have a problem with socialising i guess. Somehow i never fit into any group. I'll always end up seeing things in a way different from the general population. I just don't feel like meeting anyone anymore. Just hide away from reality. I never feel welcomed anywhere. It's always me in a different dimension from the other. I WANT TO FIT IN, BUT I'M ALWAYS STANDING OUT! I just wanna die and end all these misery lol.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I feel so good now. Slept 14 hrs from 5am to 7pm and missed lunch with Mirantz and Lennel. Haha.. But I feel wonderfully rejuvenated and great about myself. I was up so late last night cos i was addicted to a book, just can't put it down heh. It's another book by Marian Keyes (Yeah i absolutely love chick-lit) called the Last Chance Saloon. I saw similarities between me and a character in the book. It made me realised that though I wanna get involved with life and people, I just kept to myself afraid of being hurt and reinforcing the low opinion of myself. So now i've decided to go out more and hang out with people. Probably tag along with Mirantz, expand my social circle from there. Good luck to me!
Monday, November 27, 2006
It's been a hectic weekend. Been helping out for Trevvy's launch parties held at Attica and Tabs. So i've been heading down to their office pretty frequently these days (just a few bus stops from my house anyway). Been helping to pack the goodie bags over the weekend then helping them to transport it to Attica yesterday. Well, i wasn't paid for it but i was kinda doing it on Mirantz's account since he has been giving me freebies. Well i enjoyed helping out anyway, gave me a sense of accomplishment and that time wasn't wasted just like that.
Back to the main point of my post, I actually met this 18yo guy who was helping out too. Well, ok i found him cute. Ok, i think i liked him. Make that I like him. He has that geeky look which I seem to find VERY VERY attractive lol. (Yeah, i've something for geeky looking guys so if you think nobody likes you if you're geeky looking you know who to find. ;P) Well nothing transpired on friday night(first meeting). Got along with him pretty easily(no mean feat for people like me) and he was pretty interesting. Well i enjoyed myself that night pretty much. Fast forward to Sunday @ Attica. He told his parents he would be staying over at his friend's place, which wasn't actually confirmed. Well, being the gentlemanly and gallant me, i offered him to lodge at my place, considering nobody's at home and i've my own room. (NO HANKY PANKY THOUGHTS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING) Actually, i just wanted to have him to myself, have a conversation to get to know him better and all that bullshit blah blah blah. Well, after clubbing he had to drag 2 other kids along. Ok la.. they're ok but i felt violated. (GREAT PLAN GOES UP IN FLAMES BOOHOO!!!) Not being the gentlemanly and gallant me to deny shelter for kids who may end up loitering and meeting bad influences, of course i welcomed them with outstretched arms, albeit unwillingly. Well if it was only one, i could've dictated the motions of conversation and movement. Not so if there are 3 kids and 1 me. I was overwhelmed by them. No conversation at all, they were just surfing Trevvy.com and friendster and oogling and giggling, I felt like the odd one out. Being the nice gentlemanly and gallant me, i offered my bed to them to rest. So I didn't have a bed to sleep in, and I just stoned on the floor. I was catatonic, drifting in and out of consciousness. I could hear giggling and talking but I didn't really catch what was going on. Well they kinda fell asleep but then again they woke up suddenly. And surfin the net till like 8am, when they felt sleepy. Well since they're awake it would be better for them to go. If they slept at 8am, what time would they wake up? Anyway, depression after the alcoholic high kicked in. I was feeling terrible, and i was gripped by insanity. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and lonely. Then I tried to sleep but all I thought of was that guy. And thinking of ways and means to date him out. Couldn't really sleep too. I was nervous and waiting for him to come online (each time my msn goes *DING* i'll jump up and see if it was him). Until the afternoon, I finally got to see him online. Ok, I popped the question to him in a very direct way. YES or NO answer type. And..... IT WAS A NO! Haha.. Well i wasn't upset or anything. I actually felt relieved, like a burden removed from me. Maybe i've been single for too long. I've forgot how to deal with another person in my life. I don't wanna fall into that cycle of "christmas, birthday, new years, valentines then it's over kind" of relationship anyway and it seemed pretty much like it.
I can't tell what's real and what's desperation anymore. Seems like I will like someone in a group of people i'm meeting for the first time. Definitely not a coincidence. Therefore I can only pinpoint it to desperation I guess. Oh man. I'm
scroood big time.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Argh.. I'm a bloody nincompoop. Can't even open a bottle of wine properly. I followed the instructions on the website but not only did the cork not come out, my corkscrew broke off in the middle of the cork. Ok, i wasn't using the high-tech new bottle openers that they were selling in the supermarkets. It was an ancient one without frills(new technology) and had been left abandoned in some god-forsaken drawer which my mom told me to use. So i screwed it in, and pulled. The handle came out. Alas the cork was still in there, and the worm bit was stuck all the way in the middle. I'm so bloody disappointed with myself. And I almost went to buy a new one if my mom hadn't told me about the old one. With the amount of time i spent trying to dig the worm bit out, I could've have been relaxing and enjoying some bit of wine lol. Oh well. I decided to break it open. Or toss it. Still kicking myself over it lol. I'm so stoooopid. Damn. Useless.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I'm such an easy trick now. A few sweet words and i'll be smitten. God knows what will happen tonight if I wasn't dog tired now.
I met my friends for lunch just now at Bugis. Friend A who works for a gay portal had to go check out a gay spa that just opened recently so he asked me and Friend B to accompany him. I was kinda tempted by the idea (I've never been to a gay spa before and wanted to take a look). Well after we finished lunch, we went our separate ways. Then after some thought, I decided that I shouldn't visit those kind of places. So i came home and msn-ed them to tell them I'm not going anymore. Then they started teasing me about me being afraid I'll be harrassed there. Then Friend B said "I'll protect you."
Immediately, images of a pair of arms wrapped themselves around me flashed in my mind. I was appalled and mortified by what my brain is thinking of. I shouldn't be doing that, but the lure of the physical touch was too much to bear. That feeling of being wanted, desired, all within that physical touch. I craved for it. It has been very long since I was ever wanted by another person. However, I was saved from this madness by my weird sleeping hours. My eyes are closing as I'm typing this so I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight. Heh. Good nights ^^.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I'm feeling terrible. Feel-good factor from 14hrs of sleep worn off. I just feel like cocooning up again, safe in my own world, away from the sad realities of life. It's freaking uncomfortable for me to meet new people, to hangout with them, when there's always a spectre of rejection hanging over my head. I hate being rejected, and i'm always getting rejected so much so that i'm always expecting myself to be rejected. I have a problem with socialising i guess. Somehow i never fit into any group. I'll always end up seeing things in a way different from the general population. I just don't feel like meeting anyone anymore. Just hide away from reality. I never feel welcomed anywhere. It's always me in a different dimension from the other. I WANT TO FIT IN, BUT I'M ALWAYS STANDING OUT! I just wanna die and end all these misery lol.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I feel so good now. Slept 14 hrs from 5am to 7pm and missed lunch with Mirantz and Lennel. Haha.. But I feel wonderfully rejuvenated and great about myself. I was up so late last night cos i was addicted to a book, just can't put it down heh. It's another book by Marian Keyes (Yeah i absolutely love chick-lit) called the Last Chance Saloon. I saw similarities between me and a character in the book. It made me realised that though I wanna get involved with life and people, I just kept to myself afraid of being hurt and reinforcing the low opinion of myself. So now i've decided to go out more and hang out with people. Probably tag along with Mirantz, expand my social circle from there. Good luck to me!
Monday, November 27, 2006
It's been a hectic weekend. Been helping out for Trevvy's launch parties held at Attica and Tabs. So i've been heading down to their office pretty frequently these days (just a few bus stops from my house anyway). Been helping to pack the goodie bags over the weekend then helping them to transport it to Attica yesterday. Well, i wasn't paid for it but i was kinda doing it on Mirantz's account since he has been giving me freebies. Well i enjoyed helping out anyway, gave me a sense of accomplishment and that time wasn't wasted just like that.
Back to the main point of my post, I actually met this 18yo guy who was helping out too. Well, ok i found him cute. Ok, i think i liked him. Make that I like him. He has that geeky look which I seem to find VERY VERY attractive lol. (Yeah, i've something for geeky looking guys so if you think nobody likes you if you're geeky looking you know who to find. ;P) Well nothing transpired on friday night(first meeting). Got along with him pretty easily(no mean feat for people like me) and he was pretty interesting. Well i enjoyed myself that night pretty much. Fast forward to Sunday @ Attica. He told his parents he would be staying over at his friend's place, which wasn't actually confirmed. Well, being the gentlemanly and gallant me, i offered him to lodge at my place, considering nobody's at home and i've my own room. (NO HANKY PANKY THOUGHTS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING) Actually, i just wanted to have him to myself, have a conversation to get to know him better and all that bullshit blah blah blah. Well, after clubbing he had to drag 2 other kids along. Ok la.. they're ok but i felt violated. (GREAT PLAN GOES UP IN FLAMES BOOHOO!!!) Not being the gentlemanly and gallant me to deny shelter for kids who may end up loitering and meeting bad influences, of course i welcomed them with outstretched arms, albeit unwillingly. Well if it was only one, i could've dictated the motions of conversation and movement. Not so if there are 3 kids and 1 me. I was overwhelmed by them. No conversation at all, they were just surfing Trevvy.com and friendster and oogling and giggling, I felt like the odd one out. Being the nice gentlemanly and gallant me, i offered my bed to them to rest. So I didn't have a bed to sleep in, and I just stoned on the floor. I was catatonic, drifting in and out of consciousness. I could hear giggling and talking but I didn't really catch what was going on. Well they kinda fell asleep but then again they woke up suddenly. And surfin the net till like 8am, when they felt sleepy. Well since they're awake it would be better for them to go. If they slept at 8am, what time would they wake up? Anyway, depression after the alcoholic high kicked in. I was feeling terrible, and i was gripped by insanity. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and lonely. Then I tried to sleep but all I thought of was that guy. And thinking of ways and means to date him out. Couldn't really sleep too. I was nervous and waiting for him to come online (each time my msn goes *DING* i'll jump up and see if it was him). Until the afternoon, I finally got to see him online. Ok, I popped the question to him in a very direct way. YES or NO answer type. And..... IT WAS A NO! Haha.. Well i wasn't upset or anything. I actually felt relieved, like a burden removed from me. Maybe i've been single for too long. I've forgot how to deal with another person in my life. I don't wanna fall into that cycle of "christmas, birthday, new years, valentines then it's over kind" of relationship anyway and it seemed pretty much like it.
I can't tell what's real and what's desperation anymore. Seems like I will like someone in a group of people i'm meeting for the first time. Definitely not a coincidence. Therefore I can only pinpoint it to desperation I guess. Oh man. I'm
scroood big time.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Argh.. I'm a bloody nincompoop. Can't even open a bottle of wine properly. I followed the instructions on the website but not only did the cork not come out, my corkscrew broke off in the middle of the cork. Ok, i wasn't using the high-tech new bottle openers that they were selling in the supermarkets. It was an ancient one without frills(new technology) and had been left abandoned in some god-forsaken drawer which my mom told me to use. So i screwed it in, and pulled. The handle came out. Alas the cork was still in there, and the worm bit was stuck all the way in the middle. I'm so bloody disappointed with myself. And I almost went to buy a new one if my mom hadn't told me about the old one. With the amount of time i spent trying to dig the worm bit out, I could've have been relaxing and enjoying some bit of wine lol. Oh well. I decided to break it open. Or toss it. Still kicking myself over it lol. I'm so stoooopid. Damn. Useless.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I'm such an easy trick now. A few sweet words and i'll be smitten. God knows what will happen tonight if I wasn't dog tired now.
I met my friends for lunch just now at Bugis. Friend A who works for a gay portal had to go check out a gay spa that just opened recently so he asked me and Friend B to accompany him. I was kinda tempted by the idea (I've never been to a gay spa before and wanted to take a look). Well after we finished lunch, we went our separate ways. Then after some thought, I decided that I shouldn't visit those kind of places. So i came home and msn-ed them to tell them I'm not going anymore. Then they started teasing me about me being afraid I'll be harrassed there. Then Friend B said "I'll protect you."
Immediately, images of a pair of arms wrapped themselves around me flashed in my mind. I was appalled and mortified by what my brain is thinking of. I shouldn't be doing that, but the lure of the physical touch was too much to bear. That feeling of being wanted, desired, all within that physical touch. I craved for it. It has been very long since I was ever wanted by another person. However, I was saved from this madness by my weird sleeping hours. My eyes are closing as I'm typing this so I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight. Heh. Good nights ^^.