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iLLuMiNa
2007
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I bought the rubber keyboard which stills need some adapting to. Bloody hard to type. Just bought it so i can play ffxi on my laptop without the weird key configurations on my lappy. Anyway, went to Powerhouse's Fabulous Flirt last night. Met my first ex there again. Terrible i tell you. Each time i meet him, i tend to sink into depression and reflect on what has my life turned out to be. People continued living, excelling. What about me? Stuck in same old position. People moved on, got good grades got into a local university. And me? Running away with my tail between my legs. i'm such a loser. Going away is just a means for me to leave all this failure behind and not exactly for me to go get a better education. If i could go to a local university, i would never even thought of leaving. Sure i can go SIM, but somehow seeing others doing all so well. I feel horrible. I don't wanna stay here and feel bad for life. I know i can don't feel that, but it's just in me. Sigh, competitive streak in me yet i don't have what it takes to come out tops. Gosh i miss my ex. It was so nice to hold him last night. However, nothing will happen i guess. I'm leaving already. It's too late to change anything now. If 2 months ago there was still something tying me to this damn place i wouldn't have gone. I guess i just have to move on bravely into the new world. I wonder what would happen when i'm in Australia. Would I find anything meaningful enough for me to stay on? Or would i pack up and leave for another place? Would I come back 5 years later and me and him start all over again? You never knew what was precious enough until you lost it.

3:08 AM

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